FACT: Being a mom is hard!
Also FACT: Some phases are harder than others
Here’s the thing the harder phases are different for every mom. We are all unique with our own strengths and weaknesses as are our children. As moms we try to warn and help other moms on their journeys, we might even feel lied to when one phase or another is harder than anticipated. But this isn’t always as helpful as we might think.
I’ve been “warned” by other moms that what is coming is worse. This happened to me when I was pregnant with my second child. I wrote an entire blog post about it here. Turns out I love the newborn phase 0-6 months is my jam! But being pregnant not so much. I didn't get the baby blues or postpartum depression. However all the “warnings” about what was coming, the “just wait till you have the baby and you don't get any sleep” made the depression I experienced during pregnancy worse.
For some pregnancy will be the hardest part of the 1st 2 or 3 years of your child's life, for others it will be the easiest. If your in a hard spot right now, then heck yes acknowledge how hard it is! And guess what it gets easier! Sure it will get hard again but you'll be stronger and more ready for the next hard thing because you made it through whatever this is right now. If you are struggling with a newborn, know that it gets better! There will always be someone to say “just wait till...fill in the blank”. Again many people said this to me with my 1st toddler. “Just wait till she’s 3, is gets worse.” Guess what it wasn’t worse. 3 was amazing! I’m glad I didn't believe them. I’m glad that I could see they didn't understand. They couldn't see how hard my 2 year old was for me. Yes for some 3 will be worse but for some it will be the best part of motherhood. Telling a struggling mom of a 2 year old that you better not hope for better in a year, is a bit cruel in my opinion.
Why am I writing this now, well because I need to remind myself that just because others say it gets worse, it’s not always true. I also happen to be in one of the better motherhood phases right now and I was “warned” about this phase too.
“Just wait till they are in school you’ll be so busy, I miss the good old days”
If someone says some version of this to you keep in mind two things:
1) They have forgotten some of the hard stuff (I know I forget hard stuff because there is no way I would have 3 kids right now if I remembered how hard pregnancy was every time)
2) Just because it was true for them does not make it true for you
Maybe having all the kids at home was an easier phase of motherhood for some of my friends. I didn’t know them then, I can't see there entire life. But guess what I do know me and I know that I am loving kids in school. The ups out way the downs 100%. This is the 1st week back to school and I already feel the difference. The funny thing is I still have one at home all day and I love the one on one time. I can love it and know i’m going to love when he’s in school too. I know there will be moms that the 1st day of school is a really hard thing but there will also be moms like me who love it, no tears, just pure happiness and most will be somewhere in between.
Today I want to say “STOP IT” to all the moms who keep trying to warn other moms about what's coming. “It gets worse” ...really how could you possibly know, you are not the Mom of my kids. Your strengths are not my strengths.
I am here to say it gets better! Maybe 3 years old is hard guess what it gets better. Maybe kindergarten is hard, guess what it gets better. I love my kids and I love being a mom and I go through really rough patches and it can be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I keep hoping it is there. And guess what, somehow I always get out of the tunnel. It can get harder to see the light when other moms are warning you of future hard times. So when your struggling as a mom and other moms say enjoy it now because it gets worse, don't believe them. It may have been true for them but its not true for you. They have good times too, and probably there good times happened to be during your hard times. Of course, being a mom is hard. I challenge the phrase “it gets harder as they get older.” Sure it will still be hard but it will also be different. I’m allowed to hope for different even while enjoying them now.
When I’m in a hard time I choose to look forward with hope to the different. I tell moms of teenagers all the time that I'm looking forward to having teenage problems. I also get a lot of pity looks and shaken heads with responses such as “sorry to burst your bubble” or “enjoy your little ones, the bigger they get the bigger the problems get”.
You know what I do enjoy my little ones! I love being a mom! I can enjoy them now and still get excited about when I’ll get to talk about boys with my girls and have more grown up discussions. I have a vision for the kind of mom I want to be when my kids are teenagers and I’m doing what I can now to help that happen. I also know that as they get older I will deal with hard things and big problems and I won't always be the super mom in my head but I still get to hope and dream because that pushes me to try my best now.
I’m writing this in a moment where I have recently made it out of a tunnel. So yeah I'm optimistic and excited and feeling like a pretty great mom. You better believe I know the next tunnel isn't far away so I’m writing now so when I am feeling like the worst mom ever and my house is a disaster and I don't have anything to pack in the school lunches I can know that it gets better. If I keep trying I will have a super mom moment again.
It gets better! This is coming from a mom who has been in a spot where she didnt take care of herself, she didn't workout, she didn't have food her kids would eat in the house, the house had sticky honey all over the floors, the children screamed and fought and the mom couldn’t get herself to get up off the couch to fix any of it. Yes I was that mom and the truth is I will probably be that mom again and that is OK because. I’ll know that if I keep trying it gets better, I’ll know that just because a good friend is telling me it gets worse that doesn’t mean it’s true.
